It’s nearly springtime again and you know what that means, it’s time to start planning your next trip to Las Vegas. For some of you, perhaps you’ve never been to the illustrious “Sin City,” but for those like myself in southern California, no matter how you feel about it, you just sort of always find yourself coming back.  I realize I was leaning a little too heavy on the Lifestyle and not spending enough dedication to the Travel part of Ironic Blog, so while there is some snark here, it’s a more functional post than anything.

I’ve done bachelor parties, pool parties, fine dining, strip clubs, dance clubs, and casinos galore, but I’ll keep it very simple because your first and sometimes most important question often becomes, just where the hell do I stay when I go to Vegas?

Unfortunately, Vegas couldn’t be more subjective, but in my numerous trips out there, I’ve found the actual booked hotel only hinges on a handful of factors: Room, Casino, Price, Pool, Nightlife, Dining, and Location. So, without further adieu, here’s your simple Vegas hotel guide.

*note all my ratings are on a 10 point scale

Places to avoid:

EXCALIBUR (3/10)

I stayed here my very first (adult) time to Las Vegas, fresh out of college, and as you might expect from the King Arthur themed concept, it’s absolute trash.

Room: 5 outdated, not comfy, nothing noteworthy

Casino: 5 I’ve been to worse, but not exactly the type of crowd you want to bathe in

Price: 8 It’s cheap, as it should be

Pool: N/A don’t think they even have one and if they do, it’s full of children’s urine

Nightife: N/A pretty sure every hotel has some kind of club/bar but non-factor

Dining: N/A you won’t be dining here

Location: 5 located at the very “beginning” of the strip, you’re isolated there

HARRAH’S (3/10)

When I was gambling a little more frequently, I got a ‘comped,’ room here through my Total Rewards players card, and I know why, it’s God awful!

Room: 3 I think this is literally where working women bring their Johns

Casino: 3 Small, uninviting casino with low class of gamblers

Price: 7 Relatively cheap for its location, but still overpriced for the quality

Pool: N/A

Nightlife: N/A

Dining: N/A

Location: 7 Centrally located on the strip but immediately surrounded by trash hotels

MIRAGE (5/10)

Yet another outdated relic of the strip, stay here only if you want to second hand smoke 3 packs a day.

Room: 3 Even in my non-smoking room, central air is so bad I smelled like an ash tray

Casino: 5

Price: 6 Cheap, as it should be

Pool: 6 The pool itself isn’t terrible, but again, slightly outdated

Nightlife: 6

Dining: 4 Not known for its dining

Location: 7 Decent central location as well, skewed toward the nicer side of the strip

FLAMINGO (5/10)

If you’re into nostalgia, pop in here to be wowed by the level of pink, everywhere! It’s comical. The whole hotel isn’t as terrible as you’d think, but still on the lower end of the spectrum in my eyes.

Room: 5 Pink everywhere

Casino: 4

Price: 8

Pool: 6 Along the lines of the Mirage, dated and uneventful

Nightlife: 4

Dining: 3

Location: 7

LUXOR (5/10)

Admittedly, it’s been years since I’ve actually stayed here, so my advice itself may be as outdated as the actual hotel.

Room: 6 Something unsettling about slanted windows

Casino: 5

Price: 8 Cheap as hell

Pool: 4

Nightlife: 5

Dining: 5

Location: 4

Middle of the road:

MGM GRAND (6/10)

It’s iconic and classic with the giant lion, but underwhelming in most ways unless you’re hitting the nightclub, pool party, or watching a boxing match.

Room: 5 Surprisingly dull unless you upgrade

Casino: 7 One of its better features

Price: 7

Pool: 8 Known for Wet Republic, worth doing once if you can stomach the $

Nightlife: 8 Hakasan is a pretty sweet nightclub

Dining: 7

Location: 5

BALLY’S (6.5/10)

Good central location, adequate rooms, and generally affordable prices with cheap tables for the casual gambler for Bally’s a decent option if you’re not planning on staying in the room too much.

Room: 6.5 pretty standard, but far from the worst I’ve seen

Casino: 6 The cheap tables make this appealing ($15 blackjack/roulette), although drink service was pretty slow last time I was here

Price: 8 more affordable than some of its neighbors and equally nice

Pool: N/A – they  may have one, but it’s not a featured amenity

Nightife: I’d venture elsewhere (try Drai’s across the street), unless you’re starting the night here to gamble cheaply and get free booze – there’s generally some kind of 70’s funk cover band playing

Dining: N/A – find a restaurant elsewhere

Location: 7 Centrally located for optimum going out

RIO (6.5/10)

The off-strip location and age of this hotel are downsides, but the massive casino and affordable rates give it some surprising plusses.

Room: 6 Very average

Casino: 8 Actually one of my favorite casinos in Vegas, it’s absolutely massive

Price: 7 Well priced for what you get

Pool: 5

Nightlife: 7 Voodoo Rooftop lounge offers awesome views of the strip, Chippendales for the ladies 😉

Dining: 5

Location: 3 Well off strip so you’re stranded out here

HARD ROCK (6.5/10)

I stayed here for a bachelor party I planned, so I’m a little skewed toward fond memories there. Overall, it’s middle of the road for sure, with some nice plusses and very few real negatives other than the off-strip locale.

Room: 7

Casino: 5

Price: 6

Pool: 7.5 Rehab boasts one of Vegas’s better pool parties, minus the price tag

Nightlife: 5

Dining: 5

Location: 5

CEASAR’S PALCE (6.5/10)

This used to be higher up my list, but it’s dropped off significantly in recent years. It is, however, one of the few casinos I’ve raked in some decent money gambling at, but it gets a downgrade with no more Pussycat Dolls area.

Room: 7

Casino: 7 Solid, but not the best

Price: 5 Overpriced to the point you almost never want to stay here

Pool: 4 Way too small and overcrowded

Nightlife: 7

Dining: 7

Location: 7 Right in the action, not much to complain about here

Top Shelf stays:

VENETIAN/PALAZZO (7/10)

Overall, probably my “go-to” spot in Vegas. Every room is a “suite,” with a little living room area, it’s priced well, and on the nicer end of the strip, a short cab to wherever you need to be. Also, great dining options.

Room: 7 Great for the price

Casino: 6 Good atmosphere but tight with payouts

Price: 7

Pool: 7

Nightlife: 6

Dining: 8

Location: 7

ARIA (8/10)

Modern, new, every room has a strip view. This place really has it all, even a monorail. It’s really all about the hip vibe, modern luxury and amazing location that puts this so high. Not necessarily the spot you’ll spend all your time, but such easy access to everything you want.

Room: 8 Small but guaranteed strip view is hard not to like

Casino: 6.5 Could be better, but not bad

Price: 6 Can find affordable deals or can be grossly overpriced

Pool: 5 Not really known for the pool

Nightlife: 5

Dining: 7

Location: 9

WYNN/ENCORE (9/10)

My higher-end “go-to,” for sure. Great atmosphere, I like the rooms better at the Wynn but the casino at the Encore (all Red, feels like Monte Carlo). Both have solid nightclubs, great dining options, and a rocking pool party.

Room: 9 (Wynn)/ 8 (Encore)

Casino: 7.5 (Wynn)/ 9 (Encore)

Price: 5 It’s pricey, no getting around that

Pool: 8 Encore beach is probably the most fun pool party I’ve been to

Nightlife: 8

Dining: 9

Location: 5 The only real downside, you’re way at the far end of the strip

I haven’t stayed everywhere, but have certainly ventured into many more Vegas hotels as well, so here’s a few “honorable mentions,” before I go.

THE GOOD:

Bellagio – hit the craps tables early AM, they tend to have “hot dice,” for me.

Cosmopolitan – right next to the Aria, even newer and more chic, come to glam out, enjoy fine dining, or hit the club

Mandalay Bay – very sad about the recent attack here, but they did boast a solid daytime pool party called Daylight worth checking out, not sure the current status.

THE BAD:

Bally’s – full of degenerate gamblers, aching for cheaper tables, it is worth a stop in for free drinks while you gamble cheap tables, but little more.

Paris – don’t be fooled by their weak version of an Eifel Tower, probably the most depressing casino I’ve ever been in. It’s always dead inside and just radiates a negative vibe in here, despite the weak attempt at a Parisian theme.

THE UGLY:

Hooters Hotel – I once had friends stay here and popped in to check it out. It’s literally a worse version of everything their restaurants claim to be, minus the women with big boobs. What a recipe for disaster…and probably crabs.

Circus Circus – way off strip, this hell hole in “Old Las Vegas,” is somehow still around, probably because of the $10 all you can eat buffet they’re still rocking. Think the personification of a cigarette, with clowns…what’s not to like, right? Barf.