So it’s already the 8^th, who cares, I prefer to be fashionably late and let’s be honest, you’ve already missed a day or two at the gym after promising to hit it full force, 5 days a week in 2018. Why else would you be reading this blog? That’s right, get your lazy ass off to the gym and get back to work, or give yourself a break and get back to what really matters this year, reading my opinions.

 

2017 sucked. Plain and simple, it was a bad year for almost everyone. You can dig back to my first post if you want a recap of my shit year, otherwise, I’m sure you have your own problems to fester about, but honestly, it’s time to move forward into a brighter future. Despite my snark, I’ve always colored myself an optimist, so here’s my top 10 things to be optimistic about in 2018 (in no particular order):

 

1 – The Winter Olympics

 

You might be thinking, WTF, but hold on, hear me out. I love the Olympics and this year is shaping up to be epic. First off, it’s in some unknown frozen city in Korea, of all places, the neighboring country of our 2^nd favorite psychopathic politician. Russia has been blown up by a worldwide doping scandal and their athletes can only perform if (and it’s a BIG if) they’re tested clean and perform under a neutral flag and walk out the official “Olympic anthem,” that no one knows. Meanwhile, every Austrian, Italian, and German is gearing up to shower him or herself in gold while silently praying we’ve all forgotten the Third Reich ever happened. My point is…DRAMA, so tune in.

 

2 – Bitcoin is going to make everyone rich!

Sorry, it’s not just Bitcoin, it’s potentially thousands of crypto-currencies that are going to solve the world’s central banking problems and make people rich quick, with absolutely no rhyme or reason, proper risk analysis, or need to know what exactly you can spend it on. (Nothing!?) Get on the bandwagon or get left behind, that’s the bottom line. If you’re not shelling out your cash into online reserves controlled by super-safe and reliable “data miners,” then you’re already losing.

 

Honestly, I’m not even going to begin to argue anything here…one (anonymous) friend of mine had a marvelous quote to sum this all up, which was this…

 

“Remember those videos of people saying ‘What is Internet?’ You don’t want to be one of those people.”  In case you haven’t seen it, have a laugh, here.

 

My friend is right…I don’t, but I also don’t want to throw away cash into something that has absolutely zero stability and I don’t know what the hell it is…or maybe I do?

 

3 – Someone is going to ‘Make America Great Again’

 

I’m not sure who, but someone, or everyone else is going to figure this shit out…right?

 

Here’s a clue, NOT this guy.

4 – The Patriots will NOT win another Super Bowl

 

I think we can all agree, statistically Tom Brady is the GOAT, I know, it sucks, but it’s true. If you’re not a football fan, you still probably know who Tom Brady is, and he’s the best looking quarterback and he’s still the GOAT…and he’s banging Giselle…what a bastard.

 

No one needs these crab eatin’ Fenway Pahk lovin’ sahcastic Wahlberg accented goombahs gloating another second about this.

 

ATTENTION ASS HOLES: YOU DIDN’T WIN THE SUPAH BOWL! TAAAM BRAAADY DID, you Ben Affleck in ‘Good Will Hunting’ mutha fuckahs!

 

Alright, I’m a bitter 49ers fan, so what? The Pats are basically being handed another title, but I’m confident the world isn’t that cruel, right?

5 – The world will NOT fall into Nuclear War

 

An unending stream of false media information, sadly affects us all. There’s no denying times are frightening, but we’ve never lived in a time without war and conflict, people are just more aware now. For all the contempt I frequently vow against social media and the “connectedness” of people, there still are benefits to it, and it’s all just political “jousting,” the same as it’s ever been, just on a grander and more idiotic scale.

 

“That’s right Timmy, when you hear the siren, just duck under your chair with your hands over your head until the scorching incineration ends.”

I’m 1,000X more frightened of the impending earthquake headed my way in CA.

 

6 – The Kardashians might actually become irrelevant

 

Crap, this is totally just wishful thinking on my part, but with Kanye off the deep end, Kim a shadow of her old self, Chloe and Kylie pregnant, and even Caitlyn somewhat “forgotten,” despite her heroism…dare I say, the world doesn’t care about the Kardashians anymore? Sadly, I’m ‘keeping up’ more than ever. Happily, we can all finally start to look forward to a family that never really did anything worthwhile possibly fading away, as they always should have.

 

7 – Marvel has 30 more movies coming out!

 

I’m literally losing track of superheroes I can name that haven’t been portrayed on film. Yet, somehow, every year Spiderman gets a re-boot, while Spawn just got John Leguizamo in a fat suit?

I’ll be the first to admit, I’m a HUGE comic nerd, but even I am getting tired of how many comic book movies are being pumped out. Actually, not really, I still somehow enjoy them all, and so should you…here’s why, and it’s a doozy. Ready?

 

They aren’t meant to be good the way you think they are, they’re based on comic books, and if anyone’s ever ready a comic book from the 80’s or 90’s, they’re f’ing rad. They’re going to get awful as soon as mastermind Stan Lee dies (which could be any day, or never since he’s as invincible as Deadpool apparently).

Just sit back, enjoy the ride, and milk Robert Downey Jr. for what he’s worth, he’s made more of a comeback than Britney Spears, which is saying a lot.

 

8 – Women will continue to fight for equality

 

Sadly, we’re a long way from equal, but if last night’s Golden Globe Awards are any indication of the sentiment for 2018, we’re in for another big year for women. It’s been an uphill battle for women, since…well, ever. However, despite the horrible crimes and allegations that have been committed in Hollywood, politics, the workplace, and society in general, women are speaking up, saying enough is enough and allowing the scum of society to step fully into the light. Oprah for President 2020!? Seems a bit much, but we’re on the right track toward making things better.

 

9 – Funny Internet videos will continue to be great

 

If there’s something I look forward to everyday, it’s that I can rely on a new, random and unexpected bits of comedy gold to pop up somewhere on the Internet, pretty much every day. Whether it’s cute cats freaking out, a lip-synching transsexual, or an Indian kid dancing, you can be sure, it’s going to be there! That’s right, it’s like the late night comfort of a weighted blanket. Just so you’re sure, here’s a fat guy on a slip-n-slide.

10 – Ironic Blog is here to stay…yay!

 

You don’t care? That’s ok, neither do I. Either way, I have renewed vigor and plenty to conquer this year, in both travel and lifestyle, so stay tuned! May the blessings of our Lord and Savior, buff Jesus, be upon ye in 2018!