If you’re in the .001% of the population like me, you upgrade your phone every 5 years or so. I know, I’m a bizarre exception to the general rule that you upgrade your phone every year or two, or whenever a major new game-changing innovation comes out. For me, the iPhone X was none of these things, but a necessary leap into the modern world as my now archaic iPhone5 was literally coming apart at the seams. That’s right, not iPhone5 S or Plus or any of that crap, I was still rocking the 5, not with pride, but with honest acceptability for what it was to me, a tool for calls, e-mail, navigation and little else. So disclaimer aside, let’s get into the nitty-gritty about just how I rate the new iPhone X.

 

Considering I’ll most likely be in possession of what will quickly become an overpriced and outdated relic, right out of the gates it loses one point for a maximum 9/10. Like driving a new car off the lot, its value instantly declined the moment I left the Verizon store. Given their not too bright track record of launching two new phone products at once, I’m sure Apple is already churning out its next three phones to trickle out painfully to the clamoring public for maximum profits. Hopefully next time those geniuses in marketing won’t be scratching their heads why no one wants to buy a brand new, already outdated product like the iPhone 8 and be able to actually manufacture enough units of their new product so I’m not pre-ordering a $1,300 product that takes a month to arrive. What a kick in the dick!

Enough of the semantics, let’s take a look at the new features and how they pan out:

Coming from a 5 to the X, there were a ton of fun features I never had, so apologies if I talk about old tech accidentally. However, first impression: Not that much has changed.

You might be thinking, “What the fuck do you mean not much has changed from a 5 to the X?” Well, aside from the noticeably larger screen and general bulk in my pocket, nothing leaps out to make me feel like I’m on top of the world with my brand new tech.

 

My only real desired perks with the new phone were an upgraded camera and more storage, both of which are awesome at first take. My storage jumped from 16GB (wtf!?) to 256GB, which seems uncanny. However, that upgraded camera boasts some sweet features I’m still experimenting with, like 4K video in slow-motion and high resolution HDR photos that are sure to clog up this beast in no time, so the jury’s out on just how long this upgrade will last. Additionally, there seem to be some cool yet gimmicky in-phone editing options like built in filters, apple editing software right on the phone, the new Portrait mode (even for selfies), better low light, increased zoom capabilities, etc. Upgrade, HELL YES! Mind blown? Not yet.

Okay, but what about the new screen with higher resolution that beautifully covers the entire phone? Yes, that’s all true. It’s nice, the images are great, but it’s still a phone. I’ve never been an advocate of watching any sort of media longer than a YouTube video on my phone, and probably never will, so again, short of a cleaner aesthetic here, I’m far from blown away. In fact, it’s definitely taking me a little getting used to the larger size of the whole thing, and if anything, one hand typing and navigating has become more difficult. If you have huge hands, not an issue. For me, I’ll get used to it, but not a clear upgrade or downgrade, it just is.

 

Here’s the big, controversial one, the new Face ID to unlock the phone. People seem to be freaking out about this, and we’ll see if it opens up Pandora’s Box when identity thieves crack this code, but for now, I actually find it pretty fucking sweet and convenient. *Disclaimer, coming from iPhone 5, I didn’t even have the biometric thumb print scanner to unlock my phone, so it was just classic password all the time. For me, the face ID works 90% of the time, with most of the bugs happening when I’m laying on my side in bed, or my face is too close to the phone. It will then, error out and requires me to enter my six-digit passcode (nothing new here for me). Yet, most of the time, it’s a simple glance to the phone to unlock and a swipe up from the bottom gets you in business. In addition, some apps seem to already integrate the technology, allowing you to forego entering passwords and simple glance to unlock, which kicks major ass, because I can never remember all my passwords, and be honest, neither can you.

 

Other changes seem petty and minimally convenient or annoying, depending on your familiarity and preferences on your phone. Swiping down from the top right corner instead of up from the bottom, pressing down firmly to open your flashlight and camera from the lock screen instead of swiping. It feels like I’m a guinea pig for Apple, because I am, and they’ll undoubtedly listen to the masses on how to improve things for the next phone. For me, it’s been easy enough, and more positive than negative. Additionally, I love the new tap twice on the right to open Apple Pay after I get over the feeling of being a total deuchbag everywhere I go. Don’t worry, I’ll just join the crowds of hipsters at my local Starbucks, put on my plaid beanie and puffy jacket because it’s only 68 degrees out and I’m “L.A. cold”, damnit!

Lastly, what about those adorably annoying Animojis!? Okay, you got me. They’re fun as hell, cute as Pikachu, and the facial tracking works impressively well. Raising eyebrows, turning from side-to-side, smiles and frowns, and my favorite blinking and winking are all nice subtle touches to make this something that will always continue to be a fun gimmick if Apple pumps out new additions (like Snapchat updates and changes its daily filters). Fingers crossed.

The Verdict: 8.5/10

 

Overall, I can’t state this enough, a phone is still just a phone for me. While in every real respect it’s a pocket computer, it will never replace my laptop, no matter how portable. I’ll always be partial to a full keyboard, larger screen than my pocket can accommodate, and while sleek and beautiful, Apple didn’t do much more than put it’s own “pretty filter,” on an already good product. I like the iPhone, it does everything I need and more, it’s more customizable, it’s easy to use, the new camera is great, and there’s some fun new gimmicks that will keep me hip for a few more months at least. Honestly, I don’t know what more I want from my phone going forward, short of some world-changing new tech. That will come in time, but for now, it’s doing enough to keep me up-to-date, and more than adequate in any day-to-day needs. I’m as equally impressed with it’s easy, design and innovation as I am depressed about the devastating price tag of $1300…for a phone. Call it a wash. My advice, if you desperately need an upgrade like I did, and have the cash, I’m a fan and you should go for it. If you’re just trying to keep up with the Jones’, wait it out and see what else comes out the next go around, because this feels like they’re on the cusp of something big, but not quite over the hump. Just be careful, that’s a slippery slope I know too well and the next thing you know, you may be five models behind in no time. Shame on you! Zero likes.

 

Congrats if you made it this far…you feel like THIS don’t you?