There’s no denying, Christmas is my favorite holiday of the year. While every other holiday generally has just one big thing going for it, Christmas seems to have it all. From Santa Clause to Jesus Christ, colorful lights to gingerbread cookies, come December, it’s Christmas time. Except, this year, it seems that people didn’t get the memo that we haven’t even had Thanksgiving yet. I don’t mean to be a Grinch, but come on people; we all have calendars on our smartphones, and mine says November 20.

You can’t even buy a tree in a lot yet, but I’m looking out my window at a full-blown, inflatable Santa’s workshop on my neighbor’s front lawn. As I stare at the twinkling lights, professionally installed amongst their trees, I somehow wonder, am I the asshole? But then I remember; no, I’m not the asshole. Pilgrims were the assholes that broke bread with our Native American brethren, sharing the joys of communal food, drink, and diseases.

Maybe in this new era of sensitivity where Columbus Day is now “Indigenous People’s Day,” (you racists!) it seems a little obtuse to praise the slaughter and displacement of a people. But that’s not what Thanksgiving is about, is it? It’s about getting together with family and friends, giving thanks for the blessings in our lives, just like Columbus Day wasn’t about praising Columbus, but being thankful for a random Monday off work. We all know the Pilgrims were assholes, but that doesn’t stop me from wanting to stuff my damn face so full of turkey, mashed potatoes and gravy, and pumpkin pie that I unbutton my pants and fall asleep to a shitty Detroit Lions game by 5:30PM before I think about all the cash I have to hemorrhage buying gifts for the thirty new babies my friends have popped out this year. There’s a timeline people; I don’t drink green beer in February, I don’t dress up in costume in September, and I sure as shit don’t decorate for Christmas before I’ve eaten myself into a coma, for a day.

Okay, I’ll cut you some slack, 2017 has been one nightmare after another, and maybe some of you have jumped the gun to just get to 2018 already. I get that. It doesn’t, however, mean you can all go reinventing the wheel. I mean, Jesus Christ, yes you, Jesus! You already get an entire month to celebrate your birthday, like you’re some stuck up sorority sister – “It’s my birthday month, bitches!” – so quit complaining that everyone’s forgot the true meaning of Christmas. I’m looking for as good a reason to celebrate as the next person, but does anyone else feel like over-doing it cheapens the actual experience a little? Even Ellen only does 12 days of Christmas, not 45.

All I’m asking for this year is that we give a little thanks before spreading the cheer. While maybe not in Los Angeles, where it’ll be 90 degrees this Turkey Day, all you Game of Thrones fans can be sure, “Winter is coming,” but it’s still a month away. If you want to rise, you’ve got to Fall. So don’t pull out the lights just yet, wait a few weeks before putting up that tree, hold off on the eggnog just a few more days, and be thankful you have enough free time to read this crap. Happy Thanksgiving!